HUMAN RELATIONS 101

Dear MMC Readers-

As I prepared this week for a speech on emotional intelligence, I came across a Monday Morning Coach from the archive that really spoke to me. It is titled "Human Relations 101" and no matter how often you've heard the same or similar advice, I'm convinced that we human beings need to be reminded of the simple rules of positive interaction again and again, particularly in stressful or challenging times. So I invite you to read and practice these lessons in your interactions. We live in a world that is challenging each of us to be diplomats when and where we can.

Have a beautiful week!
Betty



Recently, I've talked to clients who have told me their bosses barge into their offices uninvited without so much as a knock; I've talked to people who are members of organizations where relationships are fractured and contentious, and I've read emails that immediately set my teeth on edge because the writer never stopped to consider the impact of their words in print. The cumulative cost of such regular and consistent incidents is high: lost productivity, broken relationships and high stress, to name a few. As much for my own benefit as for yours, I share the following practices that if used consistently, will go a long way toward creating more harmonious relationships in our lives and businesses.

First, and most importantly, listen. Philosophers from old have recommended that we "listen twice as much as we speak", in direct proportion to the ratio of ears to mouth. Based on my years spent listening to others as a coach, I am convinced it is the greatest gift we can give another. I'm also convinced that it is the single least practiced communication skill on the planet, and the absence of it contributes to no end of rifts, rivalries and contentious relationships. That's because listening is fundamental to respect. When you take the time to listen to others, you demonstrate that you respect them as human beings, even if you happen to disagree with their message.

This week, practice what I recommend to my clients when they are tempted to interrupt, blurt out the first thought that pops into their heads, or especially when tempted to criticize someone else: practice the two-second rule. That is, before you interrupt, blurt or start to criticize, pause for two seconds (you might have to bite your tongue the first few times) and force yourself to hold off until the person speaking has completed their thought. Start with your children and spouse, if you have them. Force yourself to practice the two-second rule, followed by intent listening. Practice with those who you might be tempted to disregard, like the bank teller or the receptionist at your office, and work up to those that really push your buttons.

I once taught a listening skills course through the continuing education program at our local university. A mother came to class one night and shared the following story with us: Her child had come home from school excited to tell her mother something that had happened that day. As children sometimes do, her story meandered and at one point she lost the thread of what she was going to say. In an attempt to speed things along (under the guise of being "helpful") the mother finished the child's sentence for her. At that moment the little girl threw herself down and burst into tears. When her mother asked her what was wrong, she replied: "I wanted to say it!"

We would do well to remember that others need to say what they need to say without interruption from us. This week, commit to becoming a better listener. Hear people out. Get the complete story before jumping in to offer your two-cents worth. Stephen Covey says it succinctly: "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." Practice this week, and see if this single skill alone doesn't dramatically improve your relationships with others.

Secondly, don't criticize. Dale Carnegie, the grandfather of human relations and personal development was a huge proponent of not criticizing. But it seems we've become a nation of self-appointed critics. And sadly it seeps into every facet of our lives and businesses. An email I read this week (and I receive hundreds of emails) stood out because it started with a criticism. Whether the words are, "That's not a good idea," "I disagree," "Why did you say X,Y,Z" or some variation, they all have the effect of creating defensiveness and hostility in the reader.

But it doesn't happen only in writing. At a meeting recently, I witnessed someone stand and criticize the audience for not being more supportive of a particular event. And while the intention was to generate support in the future, the effect it had was just the opposite. As Dale Carnegie wisely points out in his classic volume, "How to Win Friends & Influence People", "if you want to gather honey, don't kick over the beehive."

But how, you might ask, how does one raise a concern without being perceived as critical? First, listen. Make sure you fully understand the other's point of view, before responding. Second, practice. Practice saying things and responding in a way that is diplomatic but direct. And ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS acknowledge people for what they have done.

For example, if you have a different approach you'd like to recommend to your boss, a board you serve on or anyone else for that matter, start with a statement of acknowledgment such as: "I really appreciate how much you've done to blah, blah, blah. I do have one concern and that is blah, blah, blah. May I suggest that you consider, XYZ. And if I can assist you in completing ABC or if you have any questions, please give me a call." By acknowledging, raising your concern (not your criticism) and then offering to help, your suggestion is much more likely to be well received. You position yourself as part of the solution rather than part of the problem.

A couple of additional pointers: When putting things in writing (especially email), always ask, "How would I feel if I were reading this directed to me?" Have a second set of eyes review anything critical before you send it out. And, give yourself a "cooling off" period if something really has your ire up. Waiting even a couple of hours before clicking the "send" command can give you time to rethink and if necessary rephrase your message.

This week, commit to becoming a diplomat, one who others listen to a) because they know you listen first, and b) because they trust that you're the kind of person who will say what needs to be said in a way that allows others to maintain their dignity.

Imagine a world where we all felt really heard, where communication was used as a building block of positive relationships rather than the brick that too often builds barriers between ourselves and others. I invite you to join me this week in creating just such a world, starting now.

Quote of the Week

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense."

~~Ralph Waldo Emerson

May I Recommend...

Mondays have a reputation for being challenging, to say the least! That's why I recommend you take three minutes right now to sit back and watch this inspirational video from Simple Truths. Titled, "Every Monday Matters" it is a reminder that we choose where to focus, what to apply our energies to and can make every day-even Mondays-count! I hope you find it as inspiring as I did.

"Transforming Your Potential into Performance!"
Betty Mahalik, PCC Life & Business Coach, Trainer bettym@dynamic-coaching.com www.dynamic-coaching.com	Dynamic Solutions 5240 Mustang St. Las Vegas, NV 89130 tel: 702 658-4425 fax: 702 658-5802 mobile: 702 443-0175
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