Preference vs. Demand

I've been thinking a lot lately about all of the things I demand of myself and others. No wonder I often find myself frustrated and tense! It's as if there is a personal rule book in my head that I constantly refer to about how this, that and everything else has to be. This is the rule book of "have tos." And I bet you have the same kind of rule book in your head too.

Here are some examples of the rules and demands I have noted of late:

• The weather must be perfect (as in no wind, rain or excess heat or cold) in order to enjoy my walks
• The traffic has to cooperate with me, or else!
• My husband has to conform to what I want in order for me to have a happy relationship
• My dogs need to be perfectly obedient
• My son must get excellent grades in school
• I have to write the perfect Monday Morning Coach or deliver the perfect speech in order for people to get benefit or value from it

Now it's rare that I say any of those things at a conscious level, either silently or aloud to myself. But if I'm quiet enough at some point in the day I notice how they run like a computer's operating system underneath just about everything I do. You might be asking yourself, "Well, so what?"

The "so what" is this: the more demands, shoulds, have to's and "this is how it ought to be" programs I have running my life, the more resistance and stress I create, and the less joy I experience. On the other hand, when I pay attention and actually notice when a demand program has started running, I can choose to shift to a more relaxed state instantly by changing the "have to" to "I'd prefer to". I naturally then start to relax and enjoy whatever experience I happen to be having at the moment.

For example: If I am operating with "the weather has to be perfect for me to enjoy my walk" program, then I spend the entire walk wishing, hoping, and grumbling away the perfect present. If on the other hand I simply notice the wind, give myself permission to "prefer rather than insist" it enables me to simply experience my walk and enjoy it, windy or calm. Think of a time when you got yourself all wrapped around the axle of something because you demanded it be other than what it was at the moment.

Try this experiment for a day: Everytime you find yourself resisting something, ask what "demand" program is running. What am I demanding of this situation? Now, ask this question: What would I prefer right now? Notice how a simple change in semantics alters your state of mind almost instantly. With a demand I tense up and become resistant; with a preference I can relax, breathe and give the experience space to be what it is.

Now before the perfectionists in the world come unglued, realize I'm not saying that you need to become sloppy in your work or that you must never make your needs known, only that you give up demanding that you and the world conform to the enless list of shoulds, oughts, have tos and other rules you have running through your head. Even if you don't believe me, I encourage you to go ahead and give it a try. You have nothing to lose except the knot between your shoulders caused by the collective weight of telling the world how it ought to be instead of accepting how it is...at this moment.

It's a simple step that can have a profound effect on your peace of mind. What's that worth to you?

Quote of the Week:

"Most people treat the present moment as if it were an obstacle that they need to overcome. Since the present moment is Life itself, it is an insane way to live."


~~Eckhart Tolle

"Transforming Your Potential into Performance!"
Betty Mahalik, PCC Life & Business Coach, Trainer bettym@dynamic-coaching.com www.dynamic-coaching.com	Dynamic Solutions 5240 Mustang St. Las Vegas, NV 89130 tel: 702 658-4425 fax: 702 658-5802 mobile: 702 443-0175
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